• Registered: 2010-03-06
  • Posts: 3

Topic: am I stupid for trying?

I have been seeing this guy for five months. I know its really soon in our relationship, but I want to know what I'm investing my emotions in. We started off pretty casual. And then things started to feel different. He started texting me every day, and on his breaks at work. And anytime anything would happen to him, I was the first person he called. We started hanging out more, and not just to have sex, sometimes we just watched movies in each others arms. He never did that before.

So... this past Valentine's day kinda changed everything for me. I didn't think we were going to see each other, so I called a cpl friends over for a single girls night. And towards the beginning of the night he told me he wanted to see me. So I told him I had ppl over, and he said if it were ok, he would join us. He sat there and cuddled me in front of my friends, and kissed me in front of them, for the first time. What guy who just wants a booty call does that??Especially with how shy he is, and how he says that he just doesn't fall in love. And sometimes now, I'll catch him just staring at me. And telling me he misses me. He never did that before.

So.. I think my mistake was that I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him, and that I didn't know if I could handle being in a casual only relationship, that eventually I would want more. He thanked me for my honesty and said that even though he had feelings for me, too, that we should slow down and not "hook up" any more, that we should just be platonic friends. Why would he tell me he had feelings for me, but then tell me we should basically ignore them?

We still talk... but its not every day. And when we see each other, its as if we never had that conversation. I think maybe if I didn't say anything, eventually he would drop his guard. But... most of my friends are telling me just to leave him... That I will never get him to open up to me. I went out on another date, and couldn't enjoy myself. I wanted my guy to be the one that I was out with. Part of me thinks I should leave him, cuz maybe I'll just be hurt, but part of me believes deep down that if I am not willing to be patient for him, then I don't deserve him. I really just wish I knew what he was thinking... My friends say that all he is doing is using me for sex... but if he isn't getting any and still wants to be around me and misses me... how could he be using me?

I asked him why he didn't want a relationship with me, and he said that I shouldn't assume that its a problem with me... what the hell does that mean?

Any advice would be appreciated.

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  • Registered: 2010-03-11
  • Posts: 13

Re: am I stupid for trying?

Situation like this is emotionally stressful, but you made the right decision to tell him how you felt. You know what you want, you have to find someone who wants what you want at least a little because if you have no similar goals it wont last long term. As much as it hurts you've got two ways to think about it.

You can leave him alone and give him the space you think he's entitled to and see if he comes around (I wouldn't wait longer then a month tops). Sometimes giving a guy what he thinks he wants is exactly whats going to make him realize it isn't what he wants.

You could just move on, fight back the emotions your experiencing and push on. Easier said then done but it may be your only logical option. I once heard take the time you dated and divide it by 2 to get the amount of time it's going to take you to get over it.

Either way for the time being you've got to try and relax and know that it probably wasn't you it was him and you have to say to your self, it's not me it's you. Guys are as complicated if not more complicated then women. He probably really doesn't want anything serious because he hasn't found the one girl to make him want that, he probably started opening up to you but he felt like you got clingy or needy so he backed off, all you can do is show him the opposite and chances are if he really likes you he'll come back around just gotta give it time and space and if you really like him you'll do it just go aout your normal life till then.

  • Registered: 2010-03-06
  • Posts: 3

Re: am I stupid for trying?

Thanks for your help. I have talked to him about things since then, and we were going to go our separate ways.. and then it just changed in the same conversation where we were both saying we wanted to see each other still.. it was kinda weird. He explained some things to me about his past, and why its so hard for him to get close to someone, and I understand.

The next time we hung out, we went to a club, and made out, and held hands, in front of his friends that I had just met... and one of his friends came up to me with a huge smile on his face, and said that he never saw my guy with a girl, and that he was glad to meet me.

I still don't know quite what to think. He explained to me that he has pretty much given up on finding that girl that makes him want to commit, cuz he thinks he threw his chances away. I personally don't agree with holding on to things like that, cuz its not healthy. But I think I am going to be there for him, and not give him the impression that I am clingy. I don't know how long I will let this go on, but what I realized while missing him is that, I would be happy without a title, just to be with him, and if he needs time to commit to me, he is worth the wait. I think I can stand waiting it out for 6 months more or so, and if by then he doesn't come around.. I might just tell him I can't handle being casual. I don't think I can wait around forever tho, as much as I am crazy for him.. everyone has their limits.

Thanks again, I truly appreciate your words. And honestly, most of what you said was spot on.