I’ve been with my husband since high school so 13 years now but we’ve only been married for the last 5 and for the first 8 years I never had doubts about his loyalty and I trusted him 100% because he never gave me any reason to not. I always felt like I was so lucky that I had a solid relationship and that I didn’t have to worry about him cheating on me. I knew he loved me and I thought we were meant for eachother UNTIL…..about 2 years ago I was doing his laundry and I happen to feel something in one of his pockets. It felt like a stack of paper so I pulled it out and there standing in the laundry room I almost feel to the floor. He wrote 2 letters about my sister. They were as detailed as I’ve ever read anything. He said he would love to make love with her for hours, make her cum, and so on and on. He said he hopes no one finds out and that he want to make her feel real good. I almost died. Literally. My whole world turned up side down and after 12 years of walking on clouds and feeling so lucky, it was shattered. There were 2 different letters. He never gave them to her, it just like he was thinking these things and just had to write them down or something. I didn’t know what to do at that point. The ironic thing, it was Easter Day and I had 40 people on the way to my house for an Easter dinner. His family by the way. So I called him into our bedroom and I must of been as white as a ghost because he knew something was up the minute I called him in. I pulled them out and he then turned white. He didn’t know what to say. I mean really, what do you say when you write down that you want to satisfy your sister-in-law in every way. He talked about things and I told him we would need therapy and I told him he changed me. I will never took at him the same way again. I felt ashamed, hurt, scared, mad, emmbarrested, humiliated, I just didn’t understand. This came out left field. So of course like most women, I started to self reflect, is it me. What did I do? What didn’t I do? What’s wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Why my sister? And so on, I just didn’t understand this. I thought I knew him. And the hardest part of this whole thing for me is, I am a very confident woman and I am the type to never change for a man or anyone else and there I sat wondering what I need to do to fix this. That’s where anger came in, why the f*ck should I have to change when I didn’t do anything wrong. He pulled everything that I thought we had right from under me and I didn’t even see it coming. And the answer I got was, we weren’t having sex very much (during a usual marriage dry spell) and one day my sister came over to go swimming and she looked good to him. What the hell? I did the only thing I knew to do was to try to rebuild this relationship since it was an isolated instance. We talked and seemed to have gotten closer and we moved on. We never did go to therapy, I guess I figured it never went anywhere and it only happened once I think we’ll be o.k. Now, I still feel weird when my sister’s over. She doesn’t know anything but I just feel a bit of tension in the room if my sister and my husband are in the same room. So 2 years later, our relationship is going ok but I do to this day think about those damn letters at least once a week. I just can’t help it. I don’t tell him that but the pain and anger and shame I still feel is there. I mean, what’s wrong with me. I carry that around with me all the time. Again, he doesn’t know this but the hurt and pain and dishonesty is still there. So, I get home yesterday and get on my computer and just happen to look in the internet history page and what do I see, him searching for one of his friends’s ex-girlfriend. Oh my god, why???? So before I over reacted I ask him, calmly and with no tone because then he would think something’s up, why were you looking for XXX and isn’t that Mike’s ex-girlfriend? He said, no I was searching for something for my sister. There was something about his tone that just didn’t sit well with me. We went to dinner and when we got home I started searching around and what did I find, a picture of Mike’s ex-girlfriend and what’s her name, XXX. I was so mad. When this girl was around (about 6 years ago) I didn’t like her much. I mean she was nice but I didn’t like the way my husband seemed really nice to her. Something about the way he was to her bothered me. I can’t explain why, let’s just say it’s a wife’s feeling. She moved away and we never heard from her, great I say!!! After 20 minutes of me asking him point blank, were you looking up Mike’s ex-girlfriend XXX, he said no 40 times. No, no, and no. Then I walked over to the computer and opened the picture I found (it was just her on facebook), he said I was looking her up, I was looking for someone named XXX for my sister. So I said, her sister’s friend is the EXACT same name as Mike’s ex. Are you going to sit here and lie to my face. That’s when his body changed and he got up and said he didn’t want to talk to me. I knew I hit something. He sat up there and lied 40 times to my face and I pretty much begged him to not lie and he still did. After 2 hours of talking, I realize we weren’t getting anywhere so I went to bed.
Now, after all that I do have a question to put out there. What if your husband thinks about other women? Never has done anything but just thinking about them. I mean, do you think it’s wrong for him to write about it and search for someone else? I know I can’t control who he thinks about but once he writes about it and searches on the internet, it kind of becomes real. That’s the 1st step. I am so mad inside. I am so hurt. I can’t look at him the same way. He’s a lier if nothing else. Yes, he hasn’t cheated but he broke me so bad that he mine as well had. What do I do at this point? I’m just so confused. We’ve been together so long and I thought we were ment to be and now I just don’t know. Why is he doing this? Should I be thinking, what’s wrong with me or not? I’m just so confused. And lastly, is a form of cheating??? It sure feels like it to me.

Last edited by Renee (2009-08-11 12:53AM)