• Registered: 2007-11-28
  • Posts: 5

Topic: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

Last August I married my girlfriend of 5 years. We are both in our early twenties. We both were taught growing up to not have sex before marriage, so we never did. Needless to say when we finally got married I was READY. Nothing happened on the honeymoon, I just figured she was a little nervous..no biggy? After that months and months went by, till I finally told her I was struggling really bad about 4 months ago. Since than she says she is trying and she knows I am in limbo with the whole thing. I have never been close to getting inside her. This is a big need, and it makes it hard for me to give her what she needs if I cant get what I need. So we are now a year and 4 months into the marriage and still no sex. She gets super nervous whenever I try with my hand or the "other way". I am starting to think it will never happen, and worse yet probably never have any kids. I love her, but this is not the way I saw things going. What do you think I should do, please offer any advice, I would like to see what some ladies think of this situation.
Thanks..........

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  • kasper
  • Love Apprentice
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  • Registered: 2007-11-10
  • Posts: 82

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

I am not curently married but I have been and been in a few long term relationships so here is my opinion. I would sugest first try a councer there may be a deaper reason she does not want to have sex and only a councler can help her work it out. (if you are not able to pay a councler call your local mental health they have sliding fees and will get you in for little or no cost) You alson need to make her feel comfortable instead of asking for sex ask if you can give her a body massage or take a warm bath and wash her while you are in there, keep in mind that these are designed to help her feel comfortable being with you with out her cloths other than the touching and getting her relaxed do not try anything sexual untill she shows you that she is ready. The most important is to not make her feel like she is wrong for having her feelings and try to get her to relax and open up to you. I hope this helps

  • Registered: 2007-11-28
  • Posts: 5

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

Thanks for the reply!
We have considered a councler for awhile, but she is very embarrased about doing that. Anytime we talk about it she says "but we are getting close, we just have to keep trying".  I think that is the last option I have though before I say enough is enough.   I always try to make her feel relaxed and comfortable, somtimes more than others. Just after our one year past I finally broke down and told her how I was really felling. She finally told me that her boyfriend before me ( that was about 8 years ago), use to make her do things she didnt want to do, they never had sex but she still carries all of those thoughts. So between that, the possible feeling of pain, and just plain out crazy nervous... she make it very hard. I stay calm about for awhile, than its just the same conversation again and again, usually every month and a half to two months.
Do you think I should keep trying or does it sound like a lost cause.
Thanks!!

  • kasper
  • Love Apprentice
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  • Registered: 2007-11-10
  • Posts: 82

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

I want to tell you cause I know how she feels I was molested as a child and carried that for many years in my private life. Untill she gets some help she will not get passed it. I do not think you should give up if you truly love her you have waited this long I think you should just do as I said and do things like taking baths together with out trying to talk her into sex let her get comfortable being with you with out you keeping on trying to talk her into it give her massages and difanatly see a therapist about it.

  • Registered: 2007-11-28
  • Posts: 5

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

What type of Therapist should we see, not sure if there are particular kinds that would be the best for our circumstances. I will try some of your ideas, I'm sure she would enjoy them and hopefully it would help.

THanks again...

  • kasper
  • Love Apprentice
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  • Registered: 2007-11-10
  • Posts: 82

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

in your local phone book look in the yellow pages under mental health there should be a local clinic every area has a diffrant name for theres but if you call they can get you in with the right kind of therapist.

  • Registered: 2007-11-28
  • Posts: 5

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

THanks for your advice and tips, I really apprectiate it!!
I'm going to give these a shot and see what happens.

  • Registered: 2008-06-01
  • Posts: 16

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

You Can Even Ask Your Regular Medical Doctor.  What About Oral Sex, Does She Like That?  Talk To Her Parents See Why She Is This Way.  Are Her Parents Open Minded?

  • Registered: 2009-05-15
  • Posts: 4

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

I dont really know too much about love but I do it should not be revolving around you having sex with her, if you truly love this girl you will wait until she is ready no matter how long it takes. And the fact that you think sex is what you "need" than you have already failed at that. No offense Im just speaking my own opinion and Am not trying to put you down in anyway. And the only doctor that can save you is a shrink, sorry but you have a f-ed up view on love or what you think it is.

  • Registered: 2009-07-12
  • Posts: 1

Re: Married a year and 4 months and no sex...

Iwanttotellher wrote:

I dont really know too much about love but I do it should not be revolving around you having sex with her, if you truly love this girl you will wait until she is ready no matter how long it takes. And the fact that you think sex is what you "need" than you have already failed at that. No offense Im just speaking my own opinion and Am not trying to put you down in anyway. And the only doctor that can save you is a shrink, sorry but you have a f-ed up view on love or what you think it is.

You really obviously know nothing about relationships if you are implying that sex is not important. Sex can make or break a relationship. Just like money or infidelity. If you guys were raised strict religious, tell her that in the Bible it says that a husband or a wife can't abstain from sex unless its mutual. It's in Acts i think.
Your wife obviously has issues since you have been married a year and some change and haven't had sex. I'm surprised you are still with this woman. She needs some kind of help. You gotta let her know that either we get some help or you might leave. If it's been over six years, then you have a very serious problem.