• Registered: 2009-05-11
  • Posts: 2

Topic: My husband refuses to give up his exes!

Just lookin for some advice here, how do I get him to focus on our marriage instead of the exes?

Everything is fine and wonderful until one of them calls or he calls them, then I do nothing right, its almost like he is trying to pick a fight so he can leave when this happens.

One ex in particular this happens with, they dated a few times and had sex, she wasnt ready to settle down so he started seeing me, then all of a sudden she is ready to settle down and she has told him that after we were married that he rushed into it too fast, she just needed a little time to get ready to settle down with him!

they havent even known each other much longer than he and I have (maybe a few months more) but he tells me she is the best friend he has ever had.

I have told him that I am very uncomfortable with his ex hanging around, especially since they are ex-lovers and she has told him recently that she wished she could be with him!

He asks her to go out with us, and expects me to be best friends with her! She has no respect for our marriage, she calls him almost every day and he runs out of the room when she calls or if we are somewhere he cant do that, he ignores the call and checks his voice mail when I am not around.

He also drives by her house (did I mention she moved a few blocks away from us?) all the time to check and see if she is home!

I keep telling him... HE is the one who took the vow to FORSAKE all others and he shouldnt have made that vow if he didnt mean to keep it! The only ex (in my opinion) that he should have any contact with is the mother of his children (and i dont/cant have a problem with that).

I tell him that she is going to tear our marriage apart and the other night he told me that if I couldnt handle her being around then he regrets marrying me!

I just feel so confused, sad and unwanted!

So I guess my question is this....

How do I get him to focus on our marriage and forget about her? Is this even possible?

Thanks,
Sadwoman2009

~The grass may look greener on the other side but it still has to be mowed!~

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  • From: Chicago, IL
  • Registered: 2008-03-24
  • Posts: 95

Re: My husband refuses to give up his exes!

wow that's a tough situation to be in. i wanted to give you advice, but honestly, its hard to give advice when no matter what you do, it seems like he wants things to be his way. he wants to have his cake and eat it too, which is stupid(for lack of a better word). When you get married, you should concentrate on your spouse and not let your past lovers come between that bond. It seems like this ex is trying to be a homewrecker and I wouldn't be friends with her, since she is probably only being friendly with you to get to your husband. I hope that things get better for you.

~I'm such a fool for love....~
  • Registered: 2009-05-11
  • Posts: 2

Re: My husband refuses to give up his exes!

Thank you for validating my feelings. What you said is exactly how I feel!

Why did he marry me if he wanted to be with her? I just dont get it!

I guess I just needed to vent, ya know? I keep hoping one day he will listen and figure out what she is doing but he has blinders on when it comes to her.

I have even tried to set her up with someone just to get her busy so she will leave us alone and he finds fault with every guy I find to set her up with, almost like he is jealous and doesnt want her to be with someone!

And the main problem I have with all of this is that I asked him flat out before we even went out on our first date "Are there any ex's that will pop up out of the woodwork and cause us problems?" He said "no, they are all out of my life".

This girl isnt the only one I'm having to put up with, there are 3 more but she is the main one I have a problem with, the others only pop up once in a while. (and no, none of them are his kids mom, I expect them to have to talk once in a while and I'm ok with her)

I told him 2 days ago, "they go or I do", thats when he told me he regrets marrying me, but now he acts like nothing is wrong. GRRRR!!! I seem to always find the ones like this!

I keep wondering if I'm being unreasonable? I mean, what girl in her right mind would be comfortable going out on a date with her husband and his ex-lover?

(even his mom gets mad at him for this, we can be all together as a family and he will invite her to go with us, his mom gets irate, and tells him off for that!) and maybe therin lies the problem? his mom likes me and hates her, maybe that makes her more desirable to him?

I keep wondering if I have to become an ex to get his attention and loyalty?

I've been testing something lately, when he starts the crap, I turn cold and unemotional and not long after, I have his full attention and become the center of the world.  But thats not me, I'm not cold and unemotional, and I dont know if I can live the rest of my life that way!

I guess I got myself into a pickle and maybe there is no way to turn things around but I do thank you for letting me vent, it helps a lot and who knows? maybe someone else has gone through this with a good outcome? I hope.

~The grass may look greener on the other side but it still has to be mowed!~