we have marriage counceling on wed of this week. i may have the results of paternity by then. this is going to be a tough week but i will stay strong and do what it takes to get my family back and be the man my wife knows that i am; the man that she fell in love with and married.

feel free to comment. i'm really not sure how i would respond to a post like this one but maybe if you've read it, you're feeling like there's other people out there with similar relationship challenges or couples that are in need of more help than that of your own relationship. either way i believe we can all learn from the posts that are on here...so here you go. if nothing else, this format serves as a great place for some journaling.

These questions are inspired from cases of individuals I know very closely. Two lovers are separated by a long distance and either one of them could feel a little insecure about the partner's friends in the opposite sex. This long distance relationship is across continents. One is in the US and the other in India. So the girl could be insecure about the guy's female friends or the guy could be insecure about the girl's male friends. This can happen either way. The male is nearing 30 and the female is in her very early 20s. Both partners belong to a cultural background where hugging strangers of the opposite sex is uncommon. In fact, people in their culture do not accost members of the opposite sex randomly. One night stands are frowned upon and pre-marital sex is normally taboo. But these two youngsters have rather liberal ideas about most issues (or at least claim to).

Now suppose one partner has purely platonic friends of the opposite sex and is given to hugging them rarely, perhaps just to congratulate or to wish that person luck or some such thing. But this person truthfully tells the partner about this occasional habit of hugging members of the opposite sex. The partner does not have a principle issue with hugging, but is not necessarily very comfortable about it either. The partner does not know any of these friends and has not even met them and does not know what equations they all share. I suppose it would be fair to say that the partner would not mind it at all if he knew these friends well enough or if the two lovers are in the same town and keep each other well informed about the equations they share with friends of the opposite sex. This person even claims that hugging would not be an issue if the partner were to hug only in their presence.

Here are my questions:
1. Do you think either of them is justified in feeling slightly insecure about this situation? Do you think either of them is being overbearing or oppressive? Do you think it is possible for lovers to be comfortable about hugging other friends in their presence? I suppose, it would depend on their upbringing and their background, but do you think it is possible that even those that claim to be comfortable may have a slight discomfort deep in their psyche about it, which would resurface only when faced with the actual situation?
2. Do you think they have reasonable ground to feel that the partner should not hug someone of the opposite sex when they can't see them doing so - at least for the duration of the long distance separation? These are clearly platonic hugs, but the partner insists that one should not hug friends of the opposite sex in his/her absence. Do you think this is a reasonable expectation?
3. What do you think would happen if both had friends of the opposite sex that they are given to hug occasionally? Would both of them just leave the matter and not fight about it, or do you think they could end up in a serious misunderstanding? In other words, would you recommend that the partner that insists on abstinence from hugging during his/her absence should make more friends of the opposite sex, or develop a slightly more positive outlook towards such friendships? I believe partners could be insecure about such things even in the US.
4. Let's say they agree on such a course of abstinence during the absence of the partner, and still violate this rule once in a while. Would it be reasonable for any of them to expect that the partner would understand or gloss over the matter, or forgive, if he/she truthfully tells the partner about it, out of his/her own accord? And if the partner does really gloss over it or forgive, is it likely that he/she is also violating it and is just not telling? If the partner does not forgive, would it be fair for him/her to say that they no longer trust promises made by the other?

Now let's say an individual A has an emergency that necessitates him/her to stay over at a friend's place. This friend is a good buddy, belongs to the opposite sex, but not at all known to A's lover, who lives on the other end of the globe. Would it be fair for one of them to feel insecure about their partner staying the night at their friend's place, even if it is an emergency that necessitates it? Consider the following cases:

A guy is stuck in a new town at 3.00am, has a car but cannot get a hotel room to stay. He has some female friend in the town and stays over for the night, sleeping on her couch to restart journey the next morning. The female friend agrees to let him stay and sleep on her couch, and she lives with her parents (they sleep in a different room). In another case, a girl is out with her friends partying and it is late in the night. They all decide to go back home and the girl needs one of her male friends to drop her. Instead the friend convinces her to stay back for the night, spend some time at a coffee shop and sleep over at his place, where his parents also live (they sleep in a different room). He agrees to drop her home, the first thing next morning, and arranges to give her a separate bed. In yet another case, let's say, a guy has this female friend that decides to stop over and sleep at his place (on a separate couch) and is there just to study for an exam. In the last case, a girl has a male friend that decides to come over to study for the exam and sleeps on a separate couch.

In all the above situations, the girl or the guy is in a committed long distance relationship and their lovers are often informed of these situations. Of course, these are cases from slightly more emancipated sections of the society, and they happen both in India as well as the US. Assume no one is having sex or even making out. Each individual (say A) knows his/her friends and their parents very well, but A's partner (who lives very far off) does not know these friends or their parents at all. A and his/her lover also know each others' parents very well, and have made a tacit resolve not to complain to their partner's parents.

Would it be fair for the partner to feel insecure about these situations, even if they don't occur so frequently? Say the frequency of such events is once in three-four months. The partner does not have any problems if their lover has a room-mate or friend of the same sex that sleeps in the next room or even the same room, but feels uncomfortable only when members of the opposite sex are concerned. The partner does not have a problem even if a member of the opposite sex were to come and stay at the lover's place in the presence of the parents (because he/she knows them well), but insists that the lover should not go to stay over with some friend of the opposite sex, even if that friend lives with parents.

Now, let us say the partners have friends in the opposite sex that are gay or lesbian. But their partners don't know if these friends are really homosexual and has not even met them. In any case, it is hard to figure out from one's face if one is really homosexual. How would you view it if one of them is to regularly hug these homosexual friends. Would it be unreasonable that the partner feels insecure about this situation even if he/she is told that these friends of the opposite sex are homosexual? Would it be reasonable for the partner to insist that one abstain from hugging in their absence, even in this case?

I would disagree if you were to say that only men claim to have platonic female friends or female lesbian friends. In today's world, it is quite possible for women to have close platonic male friends or even male gay friends. If anyone else wishes to respond, you are most welcome to do so. I'm sorry if my questions cause spam or a flood of responses, but I think this grey area is really the bigger killer of marriages and pre-marital committed relationships, than "emotional infidelity".

Please understand that this is the 21st century and such situations are quite common. Please don't criticize the boy or the girl for these situations. In open cultures like the US, such situations are the norm, but they are fast growing in ubiquity even in India. I believe most people want to be very faithful to their partners. But I guess misunderstandings and fights begin when partners disagree on these little grey areas. And when they disagree, they tend to assert their own ideas, and that could hurt their partner deeply.

To summarise what happened, my friend wanted me to come to a club with him and his girlfriend plus some other people, I wanted my girlfriend to come but she couldn't make it because she had to work the next day, so I ended up going without her, and she was ok with it because she trusted me.  I drank quite alot that night and was there from about 2200 until closing time at 0600.  All night I was fine, I didn't look at any other woman or think about anything other than my girlfriend, until I think about between 0500 and 0530 when this girl was looking at me, I felt like making eye contact back and I did, the next thing I know I go to the bar and start talking to her, not much because I couldn't really hear what she was saying, she asked me to take my mask off (club wear you dress up etc) then she kissed me and I didn't push her away.  I then followed her to the dance floor and was just dancing for about 30 seconds and she kissed me again, then she walked off with her friend and whilst I was waiting for my friend in the corridor she walked past me and gave me a quick kiss.  By that point I walked off with my friend and was dancing with him until the club closed, I didn't see her again and I didn't want to either.  I'm not sure at what point I really realised what I had done, it was either when I was dancing with my friend before the club closed but I knew it definately hit me as I was leaving the club, I felt like a heavy force was pulling me down to hell and felt like the worst person ever. 

I don't know what came over me but I feel so guilty now, I fucked things up big time and just the thought of me doing it makes me feel sick inside.  I love my now ex girlfriend so much and cannot bear to loose her, it was a stupid mistake and I don't know why I let it happen.  I'm not going to make excuses because It was my fault but I know the alcohol clouded my judgement and made me forget about the consequences.  My girlfriend hates me now so much, she says she cannot ever forgive me and the thought of kissing me again makes her feel sick.  She wants to move on and I don't know what to do.

I hope that there is still a part of her that knows she loves me and would like to give me a chance to proove myself, but I know how dire the situation appears now.  We have had problems in the past so our relationship was never perfect, but we always knew that we wanted to be together and accepted the reality that every relationship has problems.  But i've blown it big time this time, I am so glad nothing else happened but I am in no way playing down that I cheated.  The thing is I wasn't even that interested in the person, I wasn't having any feelings for her.

Is there hope? Thanks to facebook and technology everyone of her friends knows about it now and some including people that she used to fancy are backing her up, so I don't know what to do.  I have sent her written letters apologising so much and explaining my feelings for her and how much of a twat I am for doing what I did, I have replied to her nasty emails where she has asked for details, I have been as open and honest as I can with her and am not fighting back or trying to defend myself, this happened nearly a week ago now and if I take her emails as gospel then there is no chance of us ever getting back together, she told me she wants someone that will no treat her like this and says it's too late to fix now.  Does she mean it?

I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what i have written and any advice given.  Thankyou in advance.

Why did I do this to him? Why did I have sex with someone else when it gave my no physical pleasure while my boyfriend was pleasuring me? How could I not tell him when I felt so much guilt? He changed the person that I was, how do I let him know that even if he can't be with me I will love him forever and will always be indebted to him for how he helped me grow?

She said she wanted to focus more on studies rather than this. I accepted and did not want to push her. But the relationship grew more. So many texts per day..

I asked her out again and told her that there was no friendship but we were actually in love. She was again in two minds about this. Then I left her to live her life and said I would never come back to her life. But she kept on sending me gifts and cards. I felt guilt and became friends again. Again the relationship grew. This time she told me that she would never get married because of the cat and bull life her parents living and she is afraid of coming to her mother's position. She thinks men rules over women and relationships sucks.
And I decided to finish this as she has always been in two minds. so I left her saying I would never come back. she left the country for her studies and I also left the country for studies.

She is born to a strict family.A traditional family where parents decide whom their children marry.
Now its been two years since I left her. I am friends with one of her male-friends(who is a best friend of mine too, ) and he knows this story too. I don't know if I should keep in touch with him as he is a best friend of her. she again tried to contact me through him but I was really pissed and ignored it. Then he promised me that he would never talk about her with me OR he should never speak about my stuff with her.
Now she lives in a different country. And she helped this male friend to come there too.
Recently I got to know through another friend that he is now living together with this girl and that she troubles him to marry her. He refuses cos he would marry only somebody of his parents will(cos they belong to different casts and thats a problem for marriage) and he says he doesnt like her cos she is kind of bossy! and his education is also now messed up because of this huge problem he is having now(according to what my friend who brought that message that they were living together).

after he went to that country, I had actaully given up the friendship with him as well. But he kept on sending me mails saying why we cant be like the good old friends and is it because he is in the place where she is too? then I started to talk to him on chat for a while and somehow her name was mentioned. and he asked me if I still feel for her so that as a friend of both he could help each other to overcome misunderstanding and come back on track. if I dont feel for her he would be a good friend for both of us and not talk about it again? I told him not to bring this issue up again and that's all I expect.

I am really confused about the whole thing>? how could my best frind live together wth her and asks me a thing like that? if they hace sex and have a relationship then why would want to help me? should I trust this guy? why is he behaving this way?
can somebody guide me and advise me on this? it will be really nice if someone can?
Thank you all!

Well, I just recently(nov) found Diane's number in my husband's cell phone. I didn't say anything just deleted the number. Well in December I saw that she called again and also deleted it her number. This time I asked him about it. He stated that she called him because her brother comitted suicided and needed someone to talk to, then he dropped it. Didn't mention it again.  Just like it was nothing.

I thought about it, and it really bothered me, no hurt me. So one day when he called me at work again, I asked him about it, and told him that it hurt me very much. He acted innocent and said he was sorry. Then continued to say that she's nothing to look at. He would go there and talk to her, and sometimes get chicken feed when we were out(we have chickens). She would do all of the talking, etc. Well, I kind of let that sink in, but the thing is, he didn't talk about it anymore, or even bring it up.

Well, it's been bothering me again, since I don't know how she got his cell phone #, and this past weekend I brought it up. I asked how she got his number, and how would he feel if it was me? (Just last week, he lost his cell phone), well he said to me, good thing that I lost my cell phone now is it? I said, oh don't worry, her number wasn't on it. He then asked me if I deleted it, I said yes. Unfortunately we were in a public place, and I couldn't go into any detail. I asked him if he felt flattered by the attention, but I didn't get any answer. But just his actions, and his facial expressions, seem so strange to me. I don't know how to decribe it.

I also told him that we are talking about it face to face, since I'm not done with it. And I get no reaction at all, and no comment. Just stares.  It may be because of the public place.

I did mention in Dec. to him that this is form of infidelity and he didnt' seem to understand. I said it's emotional....Though this was on the phone. He can talk to me better when we talk on the phone. But he's working on that, since it shouldn't be like that.

He said that she's really nothing to look at.  I still feel hurt inside, and there's a trust factor issue. 

Does anyone know the bible's view on this?

He says it's been going on for maybe 3 years/5 years he said he can't remember. Then he said about 7 years, and he just gave her his cell #, cause "I give everyone my cell #"He says sometimes when she calls he doesn't always answer.

We did talk about it the other night, and he said that he really had no idea that it was wrong. Men are so stupid. 

He said he was sorry. Had no idea that it was a form of infidelity. I explained to him what constitutes it has infedility. (I had done research beforehand of course).

I told him that he needs to close that part of his life and the next time she calls either don't answer the phone, or answer it and tell her NOT to call anymore.  He also said that I'm right, that he should've told me in the begining and should've told me even when he went over there. I told him to put the shoe on the other foot and see how he would feel, he said he really didn't know.  I also asked him if I had to get tested, and he said "no".

We haven't talked about it since Sunday night.  I don't know how to tell him that it hurts still and I don't know how long it'll take to forgive him, or to trust him.  I'm usually a very forgiving person, but this is a little different.

Sorry this is so long, but I thought it needed some background.

You are only eligible to participate if you are currently in a committed relationship and your romantic partner has had sexual intercourse with someone other than you during the course of your relationship. You must still be in the relationship where the infidelity took place, and the incident must have taken place at least 6 months ago. You must also be 18 years of age or older.

If you are interestd, please click on the link below and you will be directed to the anonymous and confidential survey webpage (you may need to copy the link into a new browser tab):

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/2FPVP7B

For more information, please contact me by email: amhxv3@umkc.edu and please feel free to forward this survey to anyone you feel may be interested.   

Thank you again for your consideration.

Sincerely,
    Ashley Heintzelman

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/2FPVP7B

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/2FPVP7B